Sad me

A lot has been going on.. and I'm losing myself slowly... life as a foreigner medical student here at Russia is way too different and stressful... Remember before this. I always said, I am strong, and I'm not that type of cry baby who is sad when there is no parents or family by their side. well hell yeah, I am right now. 2 transit from here, 2 hours from malaysia to thailand. and 9 hours from thailand to Russia.

I had a lover here. His name is Nad. we like each other. and he understand me more than anyone do here... But because of that, i treasure him most.. I dont want him to hurt me, and I want him to look only at me. I always find a way for him to stay by my side, embrace me and to care me... I am greedy of love.. really i am... I dont know, but this is me.. but nevertheless, me in the other hand, i dont know how to show or say or give my love to other people. cuz at the end, i end up hurting the person that i love the most and saying bad thing that i didnt even meant to say. maybe because, i watch too much cartoon anime.  =_='' *sigh*

I said i hate that person, but actually, i dont. because, all people say that, my mouth say the same but deep down inside of me i say no. there is sometimes i will not say the truth cuz i am not that good in describing it and sometimes i will go straight to the truth.. Why? because long ago, i lived in that kind of community.. my friends, wont tolerate with me if i go against their words or opinion.. so, i must agree with everything they said or Bully will be the punishment..  i just wish...  i just wish i become a better person who is not stuck in the past and move on become stronger and stronger...  I'm like a mad one right now. like having a mental disease or something.  Well, i dont like it.. i always monologue with my self. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU BECOMING WATHNEY???!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO YOURSELF??!!! I was waiting for salvation  i guess.. waiting for someone to r=drag me out from this darkness of heart of mine.. and when that time come, I'll never go back to that darkness again. NEVER!

Can you feel their feeling when you touch their hand?

Have you ever forget of something that you own and it is very important to your life? It's almost part of you that you wish to unwish its existence and never let anyone know..

Have you ever touch someone else hands, and your heart can only feel pain. As if you can feel their soul ripping apart or their heart is breaking slowly.. and they are in pain, although there is a smile picture in front of their face. When you ask, they will say no. but then after that, you will see them crying alone. When you didn't ask, you feel terrible.. Its not a power, its not magic, and its not also a gift. I called it as 'SECRET'.

I myself, encounter many things in life. Sure I am young, but life and fate never choose its victim. I feel in pain, I feel this life is hard and I feel its going to engulf me slowly as time passes by. Secret making my life more difficult to handle.. How can you handle two sadness in once? Yours already that bad and now you have to feel another people feeling? Its too much.. When I was still 10-16 years old. I only know how to cry, feeling sympathy of that person. I'll cry the whole day in my room.. its natural reflex. Its too sad, too painful. Its like hard for you to breath and you are gasping for air. There's large stone stuck on your throat and difficult for you to remove it. Are you just like me?

Other people said it is a blessing well I said its a burden. As time passes, I change my attitude toward this thing and try to ignore and forget its existence. I nearly done that, but then.... When I feel someone, their sadness. I ignore. I act like nothing happens and just leave them. When I saw they are crying, i leave them. I wont say anything and give excuses to myself like ' argh.. they need time alone.' or 'better not disturb them, its better for them to let it all out'. even though i know other side of me wanting to give them a big hug and be beside of them. I just can't.. Recently, this thing comes back.. I can feel it around me and I dont like it. I though it already leave me..

So, now I want ask the visitor of this page. Are you just like me? I wonder how many millions people out there can do the same thing like i do or more than what can i do..

Once, There's this old man. He was smiling and we shake hand. Suddenly, something strike me like a lightning. This is not a joke. Some maybe found out that this kind of thing is lame and maybe not true but i dont care. I can feel what he feel. Its like a short chapter of his life come out. None of his children visit him often. and his wife is not with him.. I was wandering that time why is that. then I let go my hand. Feel bad for not doing anything.. I just let it go. After that day, i didn't see the old man anymore. 5 years later, I saw him again and this time with 2 beautiful young lady. They were escorting the old man. Then they told the real story about him. He lived with his wife but the wife is controlling him too much. they had a fight which not allowing that old man to go out to church anymore. and his children are too busy to come and visit plus their children doesnt really like their mother.. too strict or something like that. then i remember back what happened before..

Its The First of April! APRILFOOL!

I'm going to change! Well, its funny to change only after reaching 1st April but i made up my mind. I'm going to finish up my atrabootka, go on diet, work out to make my body slimmer and start studying for my final exam. yes. No more playing around.

PS/ this is not april fool. this is real. ^^